I never thought I would be a mom. I wasn't one of the those girls who grew up wanting to get married, have kids and live happily ever after. I knew it wasn't a reality, so I never really thought about it. Being a mom comes with so muchresponsibility and sacrifice, that I was not willing to give up. Yes, you can say I am selfish. I'll be the first to admit that. But from my broken perspective, having kids was a burden, a dream destroyer, and a life sucker. I see so many burnt out parents, kids acting wild to get some love and attention, and families being torn apart with divorce. So yes, I didn't want kids, sometimes I am still hesitated in bringing forth a living human being to this war-torn world.
As I looked around me seeing all of these moms so excited to have babies. But I was freaking out. I still have my moments, something that I am working through everyday. How can I be a mom?! I'm only 25, I haven't even landed in my career yet, it's been a rough of marriage and now there's this kid that decides to show up. I was so angry. This is just all so sudden. You can say, "well at least it wasn't a honeymoon baby" yeah I get that, but seriously, shut up, no one wants to hear that. I felt so alone even with friends and family surrounding me. Everyone would asked me if I am excited, I was getting fatter, I wanted to throw up every two seconds and sleep at the same time. So no, not really excited. Now go get me some Chinese food and a Costco box of Tums ;-)
I started to think about why I was so upset, why I was so angry, why I was letting fear take over my life. I feared that I would fail. I feared that I wouldn't be a good parent. I feared I wouldn't love my child. I feared that the kid(s) would drive a wedge between myself and Jared. So much fear and for what? Like really, why should I give into fear when I have a God who has literally given me life to live without fear.
I began to think about the last seven years of my life. How I was a train wreck out of high school, having no direction, pissed drunk and hated who I was and where I was going. Then Jesus showed up, and completely filled my heart up with love for the first time in my life. I never felt so free. The past seven years has been a time of preparation spiritually, and mentally to walk fully into the calling that He has for me. The number seven in the bible means "complete" "coming into fullness". So when the Holy Spirit was reminding me of this I sat down in awe, as tears were streaming down my face. I grew up in a broken family and now the Lord gave me a husband who will never leave me till death do us part. He is giving me a child to raise in a godly home, and to be a disciple maker. He has been telling me the last couple of years to begin writing and I am actually doing it. Yeah, I fail at doing it a lot of the time, but it's better than not writing at all. All this to say, the Lord has been more than kind to me. He really does care and has bigger plans for me than I could ever imagine.
I know I won't be the perfect mom, I know I will have scary times, I know my kids won't be perfect. But I have a God who is the perfect Father, nothing scares him, and my kids will be perfect because that's the way he sees them. All I can do is trust that the Lord knows what He is doing, through the hard times and good times. I can now say the Lord is still in the process of healing my heart from past wounds and changing my perspective on parenting. As I look into my son's eyes, I can now say I am excited to see what adventures await for us and our growing family.